The first step in assertiveness training is learning to
distinguish between assertive, aggressive, and passive behaviors.
Passive Style
When
you are communicating passively, you don’t directly express your feelings,
thoughts and wishes. You may try to communicate them indirectly by frowning,
crying, or whispering something under your breath. Or you may withhold your
feelings and wishes entirely.
In the
passive style you tend to smile a lot and subordinate your needs to those of
others. You also probably do more than your share of listening. If you do speak
up directly, you make disclaimers such as “I’m no expert… I’m really not sure…
I really shouldn’t be saying this, but….” You find it very difficult to make
requests. When someone ask you to do something that you don’t want to do,
you’re inclined to do it or make an excuse rather than say no.
A
Passive speaking style includes a soft, weak, even wavering voice. Pauses and
hesitations are common. You are likely to be at a loss for words. You may
ramble, be vague, and use the phrases “I mean” and “You know” often. You
frequently rely on others to guess what you want to say. Your posture is likely
to be slouched, and perhaps you will lean against something for support. Your
hands are apt to be cold, sweaty, and fidgety. Eye contact is difficult for
you, you tend to look down or away. Because you are often not saying what you
mean, you don’t look like you mean what you say.
Aggressive Style
In the aggressive style, you are
quite capable of stating how you feel, what you think, and what you want, but
often at the expense of others’ rights and feelings. You tend to humiliate
others by using your sarcasm or humorous put-downs. You are likely to go on the
attack when you don’t get your way, and you stir up guilt and resentment in
other by pointing a finger of blame. Your sentences often begin with “You….”
Followed by an attack or a negative label. You use absolute terms such as
“always” and “never” and describe things in a way that implies that you’re
always right and superior.
When
you are behaving aggressively, you tend to move with an air of superiority and
strength. Your style may run the gamut from cold and “deadly quiet” to flippant
and sarcastic to loud and shrill. Your eyes are narrowed and expressionless.
Your posture is that of a solid rock: feet planted apart, hands on hips, jaw
clenched, and jutting out, gestures rigid, abrupt, and intimidating. Sometimes
you point your finger or make a fist. You are so intent on being right that you
don’t really hear what others are saying, even when you ask them a direct
question.
Assertive Style
When you communicate assertively,
you make direct statements regarding your feelings, thoughts and wishes. You
stand up for your rights and take into account the rights and feelings of
other. You listen attentively, and let other people know that you have heard
them. You are open to negotiation and compromise, but not at the expense of
your own rights and dignity. You can make direct requests and direct refusals.
You can give and receive compliments. You can start and stop a conversation.
You can deal effectively with criticism, without becoming hostile or defensive.
When
you are behaving assertively, you convey an air of assumed strength and
empathy. Your voice is relaxed, well modulated, and firm. While you are
comfortable with direct eye contact, you don’t stare. Your eyes communicate
openness and honesty. Your posture is balanced and erect.
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